[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Monday Lisa
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.