*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
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Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
He’s cranky this morning
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you