*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
You Might Also Like
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
bury ourselves
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago