My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
What is going on? 😅
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*