Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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I came this close!!!!
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.