Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.