[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close