Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
You Might Also Like
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”