*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
You Might Also Like
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me