[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
You Might Also Like
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?