*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
That’s fair
January has been Januweary
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver