Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
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ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside