[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
where the womens at?
Single and childfree like Jesus
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?