[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
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Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Who called it baking and not making love
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting