@KatieKatCubs: Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
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@shutupmikeginn: I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i'm doing better than every person in the movie.
@DevinSiebold: Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez... the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
@XplodingUnicorn: [out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump]
@SergioValenCo: I don't tweet about my boss because I don't wanna be a suspect when he disappears.