Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
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[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
me, too, girl. me, too.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”