If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
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[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Who called it baking and not making love
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.