Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
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My friend is an excellent librarian.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Put this video in the Louvre
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Spa day..😅
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.