Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.