(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
be careful
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
hackers play passwordle
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)