Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.