Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*