Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*weighs self after shaving
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.