[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Proctology is located in A55
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
“How’s your day going?”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.