[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.