[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
#polloftheday
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.