[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
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BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Herpes is trending, good job people
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys