Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
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I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I mean…but I did
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.