Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
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I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*