[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
You Might Also Like
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.