*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney