@briangaar: Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? "Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?"
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@thatUPSdude: Cop: Reason I pulled you over was you were swerving Me: Sorry was tryin to catch a Pokémon Cop: Which one!? I mean let me see your license
@jus4golf: Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.
@SteveKoehler22: She gets stoked after reading: "Big strapping boxer" on dating site But soon discovers he's a 475 lb. guy working in shipping at Amazon.
@moose_chocolate: The groundhog in our town died on Sunday. I can't imagine how long our winter will be now.