If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
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If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Ummm
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.