*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.