I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence