*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
You Might Also Like
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
i prefer mine room temperature.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.