CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
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Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.