*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
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Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.