[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
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Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…