Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My love language is hissing.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Flock of bats
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.