Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor