Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Still cracks me up
Guantanamo Bae
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Weighing up my bread heating options
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
How does one answer this?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.