Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box