I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.