There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I have so many questions.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
😂😂
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.