My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.