@AristotlesNZ: Watching Mickey's Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he's asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
@hythemafia: Man goes to a Doctor. "Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts" "Does it burn?" "I don't know, I've never tried to set fire to it"
@praisecheese: "Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone's been dead for 5,000 years, so there's no rush"
@Prof_Peejay: A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was. I'm just a prof. I can't fix stupid.