“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
This did not end as expected.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.