Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“You’d better run, egg!”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.