Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
What the hell happened in there??
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.