*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Thinking about Jeff
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit