Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
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The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”