Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
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Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.